Large “Egg” Creature Terrorizes Kansas

NOTE: This is a completely made-up hard news piece I wrote based on a sketch I drew. THERE HAVE BEEN NO TWO-LEGGED EGG SIGHTINGS IN KANSAS (That I know of).

SAMUEL HYLAND

At approximately 2:00 AM on January 17th, 1993, it was widely reported in the state of Kansas that a large “egg” ravaged and terrorized a number of suburban neighborhoods. Shortly after initial reports were filed, eyewitnesses are credited as having seen the same two-legged creature floating up towards the moon with several egg cartons in its possession.

The citizens of Kansas are still “scrambling” to find an answer. 

“I exited my bed in the wee hours of the morning to fix myself a quick omelette,” one resident told reporters, “And I looked into my refrigerator to see that my eggs were gone! Next thing you know, I see a giant egg creature on its way up to the moon with my groceries,” she said between tears.  

Another homeowner in the affected area opted to offer a comment with his wife and two sons present. He said: “I believe God is sending these eggs down as a plague upon mankind.” His children, who he claimed to have been “hypnotized” by the egg-creature, stood before him with unblinking eyes and drooling mouths. The family declined to finish the interview for fear that the egg could hear them.

Speech of eggs is now prohibited in the entire state of Kansas, for reasons outlined by the governor in yesterday’s City Hall press conference. Amongst the most significant of these was a new law that came to pass early this morning, asserting that “References of/to supernatural beings capable of hypnotizing children are not to be tolerated, as they are a threat to the United States of America.”

Many school districts, however, have announced closures to give traumatized students and their families a time to cope with the reality of last night’s events. The primary sentiment behind this logic has been, as told by one teacher, that “there needs to be a safe space for us to talk about the egg and get all of our feelings out.” 

Other schools that will remain open going into next week have announced plans to suspend all curriculum for day-long therapy sessions. 

“This is a difficult time for America,” the principal of one school said. “We’ve just got to stay strong.” 

The Police Department currently has no plans of looking into the incident, as they have maintained that they are afraid of the egg as well.